To Be Alone With You.

so I had this moment yesterday where I was completely silent before God... it's hard for me to be completely silent... not just verbally but also mentally... no thoughts running through my head... not thinking about anything... not thinking about the fact that I'm trying not to think... it's not easy. I don't even know if it's possible... but I think I got pretty close.



I asked God to speak. And I've asked that a lot... but I never seem to let Him, cause I'm usually talking and thinking too much for myself. But yesterday I made myself shut up. I was driving... and for a while I was kind of frustrated because I didn't feel like God was saying anything. I kept praying a prayer from Mark 9- "I do believe, help me with my unbelief." Because, honestly, I was doubtful of if I was going to actually "hear" God.



My desperation grew as I got closer and closer to home. Does God really have anything to say to me? Am I actually going to hear His voice? What should I listen for? Am I just wasting my time?



I was about to give up on the whole silence thing, when I suddenly realized the strong presence of God with me in my car. And I know this is going to sound kind of hokey.. but I know it happened. I know it was real and I can't really explain it. Somehow.. not in an audible voice... but in some kind of heart language I guess... God said, "Meghan, do you know how much I love you?" Out loud I said, "Yes. Of course I do." Then God asked, "But do you really know how much I love you?" "Well... maybe not," I said. Then God said these beautiful words: "YOU are my child."

You
are
my
child.


I really can't get over that. He loves me like His child. And sometimes that's all we need to hear... our daddy telling us how much he loves us and that we are indeed His. We are loved just as much and in the same way as Christ. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that.

"This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased..." (Matthew 17:5)


We are His beloved.



Listen to Sufjan's Stevens song "To Be Alone With You".

O His Love.

I just finished Redeeming Love... such a good read. Very different from the books I usually get into... but I'd definitely recommend it. Such a beautiful love story... not only between a man and a woman (a woman whose very hard to love at that).... but more importantly, the love story between God and his child. I, like the main character, a prostitute, turn away and turn away from God and go back to my old ways. And yet, My Father's love is unfailing... unconditional... redeeming.


The book ends with this....

"Love the Lord your God,
And love one another.
Love one another as he loves.
Love with strength and purpose and passion
And no matter what comes against you.
Don't weaken.
Stand against the darkness, and love.
That's the way back into Eden.
That's the way back to life."


I love it.

The Passion.

Me and my friends watched The Passion of The Christ last night... yea, talk about a light-hearted girls night. Not. I was in a pile... a complete wreck. I'd seen it before when it first came out and I cried. But not like this. I don't cry in movies. And I definitely don't sob. I never felt so drained.

This wasn't a movie that I could just disconnect from and tell myself "It's just a movie." It actually happened. Jesus was ridiculed... tempted... betrayed...beaten... spit on... crucified. And it's my fault.

I was hit pretty hard watching the scene when Peter denies Christ. It flashes back to Peter telling Jesus he will follow him to prison even to death.. And then within minutes he flat out says he doesn't know Jesus three times. Then Jesus, bloodied and beaten, meets Peter's eyes. And you can see the pain and the shame in Peter's face. And I couldn't help but feel exactly what he felt. Because I've done the exact same thing. How he puts up with me... I will never know?

Grace... such a beautiful thing.


There's this song on Phil Wickham's new CD that I couldn't help but think of as I cried and shook my way through watching Christ hang on the Cross... it's called "True Love" and it's so good...



Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave his only son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Father's broken heart
Tears were filling heaven's eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, the day that true love died

Search your heart, you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave his only son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the father's broken heart
Tears were filling heaven's eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, the day that true love died

Now Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
oh He is alive
He rose again

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, the day that true love died

Come close listen to the story

mundane story.

So I think I'm a little frustrated... I'm not really sure with whom or exactly why or if I even should be about this... well see.. it's the Christmas season... the celebration of our Savior's birth... the celebration of an event so special, so holy, so beautiful.. that it's the only event in history to separate time (BC-AD)... for a Christian, Christmas is the celebration of Christ. So I guess what I'm frustrated with is Christians who are trying so hard to, in some impossible ridiculous way, "embellish" the Christmas story.. or trying to make it more interesting... or trying to take a "new spin" on things... as if that is even possible... as if the birth of Christ needs something more, a little kick... as if the meaning of CHRISTmas has become, dare I say, mundane.

Now I'm not saying pastors do not have all but good intentions if they preach on the Christmas story in a different light or from a perspective different from the norm. And I'm not even exclusively referring to pastors. I think I'm thinking more about Christians in general... and that includes me. Me... that's part of where my frustration lies. Because I tend to let Christmas pass by without thinking. I hear sermons about Jesus. I watch movies about Jesus. I sing songs about Jesus. But it's just another holiday.


Tuesday a guy read Isaiah 53. Honestly.. it took me flipping there in my bible to read along.. and seeing that I had the passage underlined.. to realize I had been reading this several times over the past few weeks. Pretty sad huh. I almost cried as he read those holy words. I heard the pain my Savior endured for me. I heard how foolish I am. I heard how much Jesus loves me. I heard the earth-shattering significance of God coming to this earth in flesh as Jesus Christ to suffer and die. That beautiful beautiful truth. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And there was no spin on it, no new outlook, no embellishing.... it was simply scripture... the truth I've heard so many times... the actual "reason for the season"... and it was so NOT mundane.

"Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all."
-Isaiah 53:4-6
(Please go read the whole chapter.)


Father, please never let the birth and sending of your only begotten son become anything less than beautiful and true to my ears. Thank you for what we have to celebrate on Christmas. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Breathe.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

-Psalm 42:1-8




Well my surgery is tomorrow... yes finally clearing up the ol' sinuses... I'll be a little stuffed up for a few weeks considering I won't be able to blow my nose and it will be swollen like nothing else. But I'm ready to be able to breathe. Aww yes.. breathe. Thank you, Jesus.

Children of the World.

These are the three beautiful boys who stayed with us this weekend. There names are James, Kennedy, and Drexler. James and Kennedy are from India and Drexler is from the Phillipines. They put on an amazing performance today along with about 20 other kids from India, the Phililpines and Africa. I'm going to miss these little guys.

Go check out the Children of the World choir at http://www.worldhelp.net/.

Suffering.

So I live in America... a place where it's not that uncommon to find someone who calls themselves a Christian... "a Christian nation" some might call us.


It's kind of strange isn't it though... I mean if you really think about. Some throw around the term "Christian"... some use it so lightly... as if they might describe themselves as outgoing, funny, trendy, and christian. Like it's just another adjective. Christian is a noun! It doesn't just describe someone... it defines them.


The more I read Jesus' teachings... the more disgusted I am with so many people's outlook on Christianity. Because something that Jesus is never afraid to tell people is that being a Christ-follower is not easy... it's tough... it's scary... it's different... it's radical. Matthew 7:14 says "For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." Jesus straight up says that this faith... this journey... this way of life... is not normal. It's like everyone is going one way... and we are going to have to go the complete opposite way. Not exactly what some people think when they describe themselves as "christian".


Another not so glamorous side to Christianity is suffering. Yes... suffering? Because what is at the center of the Christian faith.. well Christ of course. And what was the reason Christ came... to suffer... for us. So when we are called to be like Christ.. we are called to suffer.

Narrow path, pain, a hard way, suffering. Seems like a weird thing to sign up for doesn't it? It's something I can't explain... but it's something I just know is right. Maybe it's because we all know that we were created to live for something more... but we've screwed that up... and we all desperately want something worth dying for. Or maybe because Jesus' vision for life takes everything we have and that's what's so appealing about it. Or maybe because it's when we feel most in tune with God... in the midst of suffering.


And that's why I don't feel like many people look at Christianity the way Jesus presented it... because every one's trying so hard to make their life easier. And if you haven't realized, choosing to follow Christ doesn't mean everything gets right and problems are gone forever... in fact, I think it brings about more. But in some way that I can't put into words, it is beautiful. It is right.

And I've chosen the hard way... not to live a "Christian" life... but to try to live like Christ. It means that I have to love people more than myself. It means that I have to refuse to become numb to this broken world. It means I have to hurt and feel and suffer. But it also means that I have hope. I have a hope to offer the world... a hope that is that one day Christ will come back to this mess of a world and we will restore it.


"I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." ' (Revelation 21:2-5)