the curse.

one of my favorite verses in scripture is: 

he made him who knew no sin to become sin on our behalf,

that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

2 corinthians 5:21

but i've recently seen this scripture from a different angle.  

the part that says that he made him... become sin.

he became sin.

jesus in his holiness, became sin.

jesus in his righteousness, became sin.

jesus, god in the flesh, became sin.

this is really hard for me.

no matter how hard i wrinkle my forehead...

i just can't get this one.

what really got me thinking on this is galatains 3: 10-14

but specifically:

christ redeemed us from the curse of the law

by becoming a curse for us- 

for it is written,

"cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree."

galatians 3:13

pauls says he became sin.

then he says he became a curse.  

why didn't paul just say 

"jesus took our curse"

"jesus took our sin"

why did he have to BECOME these things.

i've always looked at jesus as a blessing...

which would be the opposite of a curse.

but then i think about jesus' words on the cross..

"ELI, ELI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?"

"MY GOD, MY GOD.  WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"

this is disturbing.

it's as if jesus is saying...

"dad, why have you turned your back on me?"

"father, why have you removed your blessing from me?"

i heard a sermon on this subject.

and the pastor said something that sounded horrific...

if one had been sleeping during the teaching this would have perked them right up.

so be prepared for this... take heed and look at it from it's very literal meaning.

because there, on the cross, on calvary's mountain, outside of jerusalem

GOD DAMNED JESUS.

and he 

became

a

curse.

jesus became a curse for us.

he became something god hated.

because he loves us that much.

i still don't fully grasp this.

who knows if i ever will.

but i know this much...

that we can either bear the curse of God... the one we fully are under... the one we fully deserve

OR

we can flee to the arms of the one who became the curse of God for us.

Joy to the world...

he comes to make his blessings flow...

far as the curse is found.

may my love reach you all.

"dead man's will" by iron & wine and calexico... why have i never listened to this?  beautiful. i often look at beautiful songs as fitting one of two categories: funeral or wedding.  obviously this is the perfect funeral song.  samuel bean is all i need.  

an infant.

i cant get over this image of the almighty holy God

coming to earth as an infant...

an infant.

i've been around my fair share of babies lately... boy, what a humble estate.  they are completely helpless.  they have to be fed.  they suck their thumbs.  they cry.  they need help just to burp.  

seriously, God in this form?

Couldn't He have brought Jesus to earth as a teenager at least?  we dont even know anything really about his childhood... from the manger scene until we find him in the temple preaching at age twelve... nothing. 

 

see, i always have these images of jesus as a servant in his humility... riding a donkey, washing feet, taking beatings, not speaking a word, dying an incredibly embarrassing death.  

but how unbelievably humble is this picture of God coming as a baby.  

jesus in diapers.

i think this just shows the characteristic of God in such a beautiful way.

fully human.  fully god.

completely reliant.  completely in control.

a child.  a king.

a quiet birth.  a change in history.

an infant. a savior.  

the beginning of an end.

as will ferrell would say,

dear lord baby jesus.

it is the night of our dear savior's birth.

a funnel for this passion.

i realize in this short time of rest... how much i need to write.  not that i am any sort of gifted writer.. but more that its just one of those things i need to do... to keep my sanity.  otherwise, i let life live me...  i let ideas come in.  then i forget.  i get passionate about an organization, a ministry, a relationship, a focus, a path, a direction... then i quickly drop it and run to the next thing that twinkles and catches my eye.  so i need focus.  i need to stop.  i need to breathe.  i need to reflect.  i need to consult.  i need to think.  i need to pray.  

and so i write...

i am discouraged some.  

i am a passionate person.  i feel the lord has lit a burning fire in my soul... for the poor, the lowly, the oppressed, 

for people (for we are all each of these things in some form).  

recently though, i am afraid i've lost something in this righteous anger that moves me to passion and then to action.  because it is the action part that i seem to be stuck at.  and my question is how?  

i've had a few of these discouraging moments over the past few months in austin.  and god has given me reminders and confirmation of his calling on my life.  he has given me opprotunities to see that i CAN help... that those whispers in my head telling me to quit trying, i'm just wasting my time, i can't do anything about this are from satan.

but i've come to a lull.  

and this weekend i saw a good friend.  i havent gotten to see him much since i moved to austin... but he is one of the most passionate jesus-loving guys i know.  he has always encouraged me simply by the way he pursues people.  we've done ministry together.  we share the same heart for missions... locally and internationally.  he has incredible gifts... one of which is film.  he wants to spend his life making films for jesus... most likely capturing the stories of the oppressed to show the world.  and he won't let anything stop him from doing kingdom work.

but this weekend... i've never seen the guy so low.  he was discouraged beyond belief... frustrated and angry.  he told me he feels like every door is slamming in his face.  he set so many things aside to pursue this and its all falling a part.  everyone he had on board to get something started has fallen off.  he is alone.  he is exhausted... in every sense of the word.  he is stuck.  he is confused and frustrated.  and he is wondering what in the world the lord is doing.  should he wait?  even longer than he already has?  is he pursuing the wrong thing?  surely not.

this broke me.  it broke me to see a guy with such zeal to do WHATEVER the lord asks of him, a guy with an "i dont care what the world thinks" attitude, a guy who's willing to be uncomfortable for jesus... it broke me to see my brother feeling so lost and so dead.

i had no words for him.  how could i encourage him when i am asking the same question of the lord?  even if i tried to give words... they are only mine.  so we prayed.  and we sat.  and we shook our head.  and we asked why.  and we praised his name.  and now we wait.

but do we wait?  there is a time for this i know.  but when is it a time to seek?  when is it a time when god is waiting on US?  do we not act because of "divine dismissal"?  is that really what this is?

my friend is confused.  he desperately needs the lord's guidance.  and so do i.  i hate feeling complacent.  i feel like the time to act is now.  to find what it is the lord would have me do for the next month, 6 months, a year, 4 years, my life... and pour all of this passion and emotion and anger and excitement and love completely and fully into every ounce of the road.  to pour myself out for jesus christ and his people.  

i just want to know 

what that looks like...

a funnel.

help us savior.

psalm 9:18

samson and margaret got food, clothes, furniture, and a COW...

that's my boy.  he's a g.

these few things change the ontanyo's day to day life.  these thing change their social status.  these things change their income dramatically.  these things change their morale.  these things change their life.  

thank you all HOPE supports.  any money leftover from the trip went to a family... my family... our family on the other side of the globe.  

merry christmas samson and margaret. 

i miss you both.

nakupenda sana.

Boldness.

Jesus is crazy... and i follow this crazy man.  and i'm coming to realize my life has to look crazy too... that is if i'm really following him.

i've been really upset with myself lately... my lack of boldness to proclaim the Gospel is sickening.  I have so many petty fears that I let get in the way of Jesus.  And i wonder... why does this world have so much hold on me?  such a frustrating idea because... it really.does.not.matter.

so i've been trying to kill this sin of mine... this scardy-cat syndrome... this o-ye-of-little-faith disease.  this morning me and some friends on my hall went to the top of a beautiful mountain to watch the sunrise over austin.  so majestic!  we had some beautiful time with the lord.

we decided to rid ourselves of the sins and burdens that are weighing us down that we cannot seem to get out from under.  so we wrote down whatever sin it was... ripped it up in a million pieces... and let the wind carry it off the side of that cliff.  yes, cheesy.. clique.. i know.  but beautiful indeed.... especially after reading psalm 103 which says God has removed our transgressions as far as the east is from the west.

so i threw away my fear.  i surrendered to the Lord... i asked for a new strength and a new degree of boldness in my faith.  crazy, radical, ridiculous action.  

didnt take long for jc to go to work.  i walked out of a coffee shop this afternoon and ran into a homeless friend of mine, tater'd.  he usually forgets my name... so i'm known simply as the christian hippie traveler. (not sure about the traveler part but i'll claim it).  we were talking on the drag in front of the square where the hippie vendors in austin sell all their jewlery and shirts.  so we were pretty much in the midst of the busiest area right on the sidewalk... partially blocking the paths of everyone walking by.  

so another homeless guy named jeffro came up... seemingly a little drunk.  he asked me if i loved jesus... i told him yes... and he said he did too.  then he asked me if i wanted to pray.  i said yes and proceeded to get out of the middle of the street to pray for him.  instead, jeffro grabbed taterd's hand and mine tight, squeezed his eyes shut, and began to pray like no body's business.  he was shouting.... like intense prayer too... like GOD, WE REBUKE THE ENEMY.  GET BEHIND US SATAN.  LEAD US TO FISH FOR MEN.  YOU ARE POWERFUL!  this continued for probably 5 minutes... which in all honesty, felt like a lifetime considering people were bumping into us and making comments as they were walking by and jeffro was squeezing all the blood out of my hand.  

moral of story---> God gave me an opportunity to be bold.  in fact, He left me no choice.  i was really self-conscious for the first minute or so.  what are people saying?  they probably think i'm crazy?  jeffro is praying way too loud.  he's probably disturbing people.  his praying probably sounds scary!  but once i realized that this public prayer with two homeless guys in the middle of austin, shouting, hand in hand, raising our arms, our eyes squeezed shut... was an answer to my prayer.  

BOLDNESS.

UNDIGNIFIED.

"and what can i say

what can i do

but offer this heart

O God

completely

to You."

a pitiful fool.

"If we have hoped in Christ in this life only, we are of all men most to be pitied."

1 Cor 15:19

The few moments when i actually grasp and experience the weight of this verse... i am shamed.  if the resurection did not happen... would i be looked at as a poor, sad, pitiful soul that poured out all she had for Jesus and lived a life of absolute sold out commitment to the hope of the resurrection?

God has not stopped repeating this scripture in my ear.  "Are you above all most to be pitied?" he says.  or am i one that if Jesus did not raise again, wouldn't have that much evidence for anyone to feel sorry for me... cause i wasn't all that sold out anyway.

John Piper writes about this text.  He talks about the way Paul lived a life worthy of being called a pitiable fool.  And he goes on to discuss this life... a sold out life... one of self-sacrifice versus a lukewarm (church word) life... one of self-indulgence.

Throw down Piper:

"The incentive goes like this: I believe that deep down most of you, at your best and highest moments, dream of spending your lives in sacrificial love, not selfish indulgence. We dream of a life that's cutting edge and radical and risk-taking and different from the cautious, prudent, secure, self-enhancing life of middle-class America.

I know that there is another side to us and that we have other dreams that we are not very proud of. We dream of all the physical pleasures, all the material comforts, all the earthly securities, all the family delights, all the human esteem or fame that is possible to get in this life. And if that's all you dream about, then my point in this message is probably going to go in one ear and out the other.

But I think most of you have had those higher moments when you dream of spending your life in the service of some great cause that helps other people in spite of tremendous cost to you - a life of sacrificial love, not selfish indulgence."

i want to live radically.  

i want to live with a reckless abandon.  

i want to live the life of a pitiful fool if this jesus story isn't true.

and for the record... it is true.  Jesus rose.  for me.  for you.  and that is enough for me to want to be a pitiful fool for Him.

Jesus forgive me when i am so far from this.