Friday, January 16, 2009

atx, i love you.

so i'm back in atx.  and austin never looked so beautiful.  maybe one day i'll get tired of this city... but right now, i love every inch of it.  it just makes me smile being here.  (sorry friends, i know you get sick of hearing me).  jesus definitely gave me a heart for this city... and for my campus.

god has some serious business in the works for me and some friends to jump into.  and i'm so ready.  i've been waiting all break for some sense of direction... as to where i should filter my heart for UT and this city.  and its coming.

not sure yet what his plan will exactly look like. 
it will involve a progression with girls on our hall of the house church he so graciously allowed us to "start" last semester.  we want to really grasp community and missional living.  
it will also involve hanging out with non-believers... not 'to convert', but because i have so much to learn and i need it and they are people.
it may involve me working with a non-profit to reach this city and meet the needs of the poor.
it may involve something crazy that jesus throws at me...

i'm ready.
  

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

turkey and grace.

my good friend anne had me and a friend over for dinner and a movie a few nights ago.
she grew up in turkey
her parents were missionaries there for about 12 years
having house church...
and drinking turkish tea.

so we ate a legit turkish dinner.
complete with lentil soup
cucumber tomato salad
bread
rice
lamb
and later...
tea and tea cake.

take me to turkey.


then we watched the movie in which anne has been convinced that i will not be complete until i see it... amazing grace.  i have to say, it definitely became one of my favorites.  a beautiful film exhibiting the story of ending the slave trade in the british empire.  an incredible look into the hard fight of a handful of revolutionaries fighting for social injustice... never relenting until change happens.

sweet quotes from the movie.  go see it.  if you've already seen it, go see it.  again.


"no one of our age has ever taken power."
"which is why we're too young to realize certain things are impossible.  which is why we will do them anyway."

"it seems to me, that if there is a bad taste in your mouth, you spit it out.  you don't constantly swallow it back."

"God sometimes does His work with gentle drizzle, not storms.  drip.  drip.  drip."

"though i have lost my memory, two things i know.  i am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior."

ouch.

Monday, January 12, 2009

aunt slash babydaddy.

kristian terrance breen was born at 5:44 p.m. on 1.12.08.  
7 lbs 15.2 ounces.
a beautiful healthy baby.
with a strong incredible mother.


last night... me and kiley went to her restaurant of choice for her "last meal"...
el super taco off royal and harry hines is where we ended up.
one of those genuine mexican food restaurants where you actually have to order in spanish and where they sell perfume at the register (still not sure...).

we drove around afterwards, having our usual fun... 
then, "where are we going?"  
'oh yea... the baby.'
so off to the hospital we went.

we checked in
and got settled.
they started the iv and plugged her up to the monitor
and the inducing began.

i stayed most the night... then crashed at a friend's nearby in oak cliff.
i came this morning... she was progressing slowly... more contractions... more dilation... 
details spared.

later...
water broke (although we didnt even know, because of the epidural).
and finally, time to push.
i stepped out... and the doc came out about 45 minutes later
and i came back in the room to my girl with her child in her arms...
i'm still freaked out by the whole miracle of it all.

i got to hold kristian briefly before they had to take him.
one of the most beautiful experiences of my life...
finally holding the child i prayed everyday for since conception basically.
kiley's mom tells him that i'm 'aunt meghan'.
kiley tells him that i'm her babydaddy.

i'm honored to simply play a roll in the life of this precious child.
i will do anything for this boy and his mom.

to the strongest mother i know...
kiley, you are a champ.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

some days it's hard to see...

i spent most of my morning and afternoon at mercy house...
a homeless outreach ministry, but more than that
my family.

there isn't a time i go that i don't encounter jesus.
today i met jesus in the face of a man named kevin...

kevin is one of many black middle-aged homeless men in dallas.  but this man isn't just homeless, experiencing all the struggles that come along with being poor.   this man also has cancer.  he just recently had surgery to remove the cancer in his stomach.  and he now has a feeding tube that is taped to his stomach under his shirt.  he gets nourishment by pumping food himself directly into his belly... and by eating very soft foods like mashed potatoes or soup (not easy to come by considering there is only so many options at the shelters).  he is in constant pain from his stomach.  but this man also has cancer.  yes again.  kevin has cancer in his mouth.  he can only talk for about ten seconds before he has to pause and let the pain in the right side of his mouth subside.  

you may not know from looking at kevin that he was suffering.  he holds himself up very strongly.  but if you watch him, you can see the strain it takes for him to simply walk to the next room.  or the way he squeezes his eyes shut when a sharp stomach pain comes on.  or the exhausted expression you feel when you look him directly in the eyes.

as i talked with kevin today, he told me he couldnt find a word to describe what he was feeling.  his mom died years ago to cancer at 47.  kevin is 45.  almost all of his family has died from cancer as well.  but it isnt really the physical pain that hurts.  the emotional strain is almost unbearable.  he had to quit his job because he literally cannot work.  so now he was to beg for money to get a bus ticket to his appointments.  he doesnt have the $14 it takes to fill his prescription for his pain medication.  he has to wait patiently on a list to get the medical assistance he desperately needs right now.  he tells me of the countless nights he goes to bed hungry because 'the bridge' didnt have anything soft for him to eat that day.  he has lost an unbelievable amount of weight.  he is constantly dehydrated.  

and as he tells me this... i know this isnt a pity party.  its a deep deep hurt... that like the cancer itself, literally is infecting his life and plauging him.  at one point, the pain is too much, and he begins to sob.  all i can do muster an "i'm sorry" and hand him a napkin.  i watch his pain, and i wish so badly i could take some of it.  i wish i could think of some sort of encouragement.  because no "everything happens for a reason" is going to help this one.  this is real nasty hardcore job-like junk.

so i let god talk... whatever that means.  and i tell kevin what an encouragement he is to me.  because throughout our whole conversation he continues to say that he knows the lord has a plan.. and that he has a purpose for his life... and that he is a living testimony.  and kevin praises god... with the very mouth that is infected with cancer.  this is a very spiritual battle.  kevin goes on to tell how good the lord is.  and he begins to smile and laugh.  and he tells me one of the most beautiful definitions of love i've ever heard.. 

he said love is:
an unconditional 
self-sacrificing 
commitment to the truth.  

and thats the best gift ever,
thats what keeps him going.

kevin doesnt just have cancer in his mouth and stomach.  it is spiritual warfare.  satan literally wants to shut this man up.  and he literally wants to stop him from getting physically and spiritually fed.  and kevin is not going to stop.  

kevin will forever be an encouragement to me.  he told me to always remember him... when i am at my lowest of the lowest point in life... to think of him and be encouraged.  and you better believe i will.  

tonight my spirit grieves for my brother.. as i know he is out on the streets on this cold night... holding his stomach with one hand... and his mouth with the other... waiting for the darkness to turn to daylight again... crying inside because the tears are just all dried up...

all the while praising sweet jesus for another day to be a soldier for his namesake.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

i like lewis.

"we learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven.  the only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection."  -c.s. lewis


Monday, January 5, 2009

as i long...

how i long for the day
in which you will betroth me to you forever.
an ache is the state of my soul
now, aching.
i need more of you.
this is why i reach for you
with everything in my being.
i long to touch the lines on your face
and hear your voice
and smell your glory
and be hugged by you.


all the while,
as i long...
i jump with my feet
i escape with my mind.
i scream with my gut.
i utter with my soul.
i search with my arms.
crying heartily righteously inwardly shouting testimonies

of the grace and mercy of
jesus christ

Saturday, January 3, 2009

discipline and power.

so there's this balance.
and i'm beginning to discover more and more the beauty of this balance...
the harmony that God meant for us to experience when it comes to our walk with him.

the problem is...
we so often err to one side
and we miss it.

i've been on both ends and i still struggle with tipping one way or the other constantly.  

one side looks like this:
religion
often when i'm in religion mode... i think my walk has to be all about discipline, self-effort, strenuous moral striving to please God... this usually turns me into the prideful legalist or the self-loathing failure.  it is exhausting and unfulfilling.  i end up turning God into a formula rather than my Father... and Jesus into an equation rather than my lover.  and i turn into a judge.  and all the fun gets sucked out of everything.  

the other side looks like this:
passivity
at certain times in my walk i fall into complacency.  i just get into a slump.  i sort of just blow off God... and usually i use the excuse that i'm waiting on Him to do something.  i'm just sitting around... all the while, dying.  there is no seeking.  there is no dealing with icky sin.  i become idle... and i put a halt to anything God would use me for or do in my life.  i lose communication with Him.  life becomes hollow.


now i don't want it to sound like i'm saying that the gospel is compromise.  because it is not.  the gospel is something completely different and in and of itself.  

but in our walk, there are aspects of both of these completely wrong means, used in the proper context, that are required to press us toward godliness and into the jesus.


discipline is one.  we have to be obedient to his commands to get more of jesus.
waiting on the Lord is the other.  we need his power because without it, absolutely nothing can happen.


romans 1:7 says we are called to be saints.
ephesians 1:4 says we were chosen to be holy and blameless before him.
ephesians 4:1 says we are to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which we have been called.


this "walk"... our journey with jesus from the point we fall in love with him till the day we die... is to become godly.  and it takes some trying on our part.  the few truly godly people i know, didn't just get lucky and wake up godly.  they know scripture.  they pray.  a lot.  they disciple.  they deal with sin head on.  they fall more in love with Him everyday.  but this process toward godliness also takes God's hand.  becoming "God-like" obviously takes some serious molding from the creator.  our efforts are a measly reach without His power... but with Him, he can take our discipline and create a man or woman that is constantly in the operation of being perfected and sanctified.


we are already declared righteous.
now we get to spend the rest of our days
"walking in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called."

Thursday, January 1, 2009

ano nuevo.

new years day.

fresh start.
blank slate.
turning to a new page.
goals.
new commitments.
a re-do.
do over.
try again.

january 1.



its a big day for americans i guess.
it's 2009 let's do this!!
all this enthusiasm.

i heard a lady on the radio last night say that she was gonna make some hardcore new years' resolutions... and she was gonna make sure she watched oprah first... so i guess she could get REAL motivated.

then this morning, my brother bust in the front door "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  I AM NO LONGER A SMOKER.  THAT'S RIGHT I'M NOT A SMOKER ANYMORE... STARTING TODAY!  I CAN DO THIS!"  he was smiling from ear to ear.  which makes my heart rejoice.  i'm very excited for him.  he said he already gave away his whole pack.  and he is chomping away on the nicotine gum.  its awesome.  and everything within me prays this time will be for real.


i just wonder though... why january 1?
i mean isn't this the gift of grace...
a re-do
forgiveness
fresh start
everyday.
his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning.


if we live by grace...
everyday is another chance to break chains
to be set free.

cause see, we all know there is this slight loop hole with resolutions.
they dont work.
we can't do it.
we need help.
if we would only admit this and swallow our pride.

grace is what we need.
the beauty of the christian faith is this paradox.
this idea that we are declared as righteous when we accept grace...
we get a new identity.  we become saints.
but we are still screwed up... we still fall short of our "new year's resolutions".
simul iustus et peccator.
so we trust in jesus in our flesh...
and as we fall more and more in love with him
we are progressively sanctified
advancing toward godliness
gradually becoming the name we have already been given
righteous.


i pray we start each day knowing in our hearts 
believing in our being
and living in the assurance that
we are accepted.

"looking outward in faith and claiming the wholly alien righteousness of Christ as the only ground for acceptance, relaxing in that quality of trust which will produce increasing sanctification as faith is active in love and gratitude..."  
-Richard F. Lovelace